Biscuits
When you can't have what you want, it's time to start wanting what you have.
Kathleen A. Sutton
SOME CAMPING TIPS
- When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will
keep the campsites on either side vacant.
- Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump
apart and eating all the ants.
- Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an
open fire.
- When smoking a fish, never inhale.
- A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot
enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
- The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer
clear of those named for landfills.
- Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping
bag.
- While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy
Knife has remained largely unheard of. Its single blade functions as a tiny
canoe paddle.
- Effective January 1, 2010, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss
Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.
- Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from
navel before applying the match.
- You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north
side of your compass.
- You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a
plastic garbage bag with several geese.
- When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to
wipe your nose on.
- You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running
over it with your car.
- Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a
flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into
the woods alone.
- A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
- A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A
potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
- You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then
breathing on a pile of dry sticks.
- In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting
small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
- The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent
kindling.
- Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn
camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."
- The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight
of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
- It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain
road behind a large motor home.
- Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The
tricky part is getting them on the bears.
- A great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos of
politicians for toilet paper.
- In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a
snoring tent mate.
******
WARNINGS: -
- The consumption of Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when
you are not.
- The consumption of Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and
over again that you love them.
- The consumption of Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
- The consumption of Sauvignon may make you think you can logically converse
with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
- The consumption of Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend
an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97
years old and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm
doing..
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a
pound. Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with
chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over
the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in
our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. AND
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy
Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
Lost in Nova Scotia ( Only a Canadian would get this):
Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia. As they were approaching
Shubenacadde (shoe-been-aack-id-dee), they started arguing about the
pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped
for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before
we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce
where we are... ver-r-ry slo-o-owly?"
The waitress leaned over the counter and says:
"Tiiimmmmm Hoorrrrttoooonnns..."
6 reasons not to mess with children.
- A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it
was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it
was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
- A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They
will in a minute."
- A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she
asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and
sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou
shall not kill."
- The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's
dead."
- A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the
blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
- The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a
note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large
pile of chocolate chip cookies
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam
answers...
Q:
Name the four seasons.
A:
Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q:
Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A:
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like
grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q:
How is dew formed?
A:
The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q:
How can you delay milk turning sour?(Brilliant, love this!)
A:
Keep it in the cow.
Q:
What causes the tides in the oceans?
A:
The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow
towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a
vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q:
What are steroids?
A:
Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs...
Q:
What happens to your body as you age?
A:
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q:
What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A:
He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets
an A+ for this answer!)
Q:
Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A:
Premature death.
Q:
How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A:
The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart
and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q:
What is the fibula?
A:
A small lie.
Q:
What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A:
Nearby.
Q:
Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A:
The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
Q:
What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A:
Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Tom Telfer BA PP PHF
London West Ontario, Canada 6330
Charter member of ROTI & REP
ttelfer@rogers.com">ttelfer@rogers.com
Back to the BreadBasket Menu
|
