The Ava-Guavas
(Compiled by George “Mingo” Chin and Philip Merritt)

(Editor’s Note: Over a period of several years the ROTI list hosted a series which might best be known as “The Ava-Guava Saga,” with a large number of ROTIans joining in the fun.  The following compilation of the postings related to the series is the work of Mingo and Philip, to whom much of the creative(VBG) credit is due.)

Once upon a time in a far off land, there lived strange creatures called  the Ava-Guavas. The Ava-Guavas were cute and cuddly little critters and it  was not unusual to find them singing beautiful enchanted melodies deep in  the night. If perchance they were placed in a blender and liquefied, they  made an excellent toilet bowl cleaner. This was unfortunate for the  Ava-Guavas.

The Ava-Guavas descended from two groups of creatures called the Avacondas  and the Guavamoles. The Avacondas were an unusual breed of animal resulting  from mixing an Anaconda snake and an Avocado. The Guavamoles were a mix  of........well actually no one is exactly sure about the origin of the  Guavamole, but by legend it was rumored to be a Mole (small burrowing  animal) living inside a Guava fruit.

The far off land where the Ava-Guavas once lived is the land of ROTI and  they lived in the ancient days of the Fellowship of the Rotarians. In the  ancient days of ROTI, banter was the rule of the day and close friendships  were bred and bonded with the daily repartee.

This is the story of the rise and fall of the Ava-Guavas.  

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30 Oct. 97

Hi everyone

There was a shark attack at a beach close to Perth, Western Australia earlier this week.

A couple of guys were paddling on a surf ski when a white pointer shark  (that's a vb one with a vbg) decided to take a few bites out of the ski. They were rescued by some other skiers and were unharmed and very lucky.

It turns out that one of the guys attacked was a Barrister (lawyer) and the legal fraternity down under is absolutely irate with the shark for an extreme lack of professional etiquette !!!!!

Have a great day

Peter Enlund

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That's cute Peter.

I feel a little bit sorry for lawyers; they've been taking such a beating for so, so long now. I personally think it was a mistake for the Bar Ass. to allow Attorneys to advertise in the USA. (How many years back was that) I know there are a lot of good lawyers out there, but if you look in the yellow pages of a phone book under Attorney's, you can't help but feel that the profession is a little sleazy.

It is unfortunate that the "Ambulance Chasers" are the ones who do most of the advertising. Are there any Attorneys out there who can comment.

Philip Merritt

RC Mabalacat, Philippines

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2 Nov 97

Dear Rotians,

"We all have to be light-hearted enough to laugh at ourselves, and it's OK to poke fun at stereotypes of others - a little bit, and in a gentle, affectionate way."

Anyway, do you know the difference between Lawyers and Anacondas?......

I'm not going to tell you!!

Sincerely,

Philip Merritt

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Must be something to do with the size of their Bills ? ? ? ? (grin)

Regards

Peter Coulon

Wauchope, Australia

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What's Avacondas?

Mingo the Ignoramus

aka George Chin,

RC Likas Bay, Sabah, Malaysia.

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Avacondas are produced when an anaconda (snake) accidentally mates with an avocado. I would imagine this little creature (Avaconda) would be quite tasty and maybe we should include it in the Ultimate Meal!!

My, this is getting silly now!

Philip Merritt -

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Asodesune? (Japanese for Ah! Is that so?) L-o-o-o-o-o-ng avocados. Something new for the vegetable/vertebrate shelves.

It may be silly but it's fun.

Mingo

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Mingo,

An anaconda is a very large snake. It's a constrictor and resides in rainforests. Fortunately, they don't eat often. They don't have to, since they can easily constrict and swallow whole large mammals. Since they are cold-blooded, they have very slow metabolism and a meal can last for a very long time.

YIR,

Leila Whitinger

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Thank you, Leila, for your kind explanation of what an anaconda is. We have the python here but at its largest, 20 feet, it would be nowhere near the anaconda in length and size.

I like Philip's explanation of what an avaconda is too. Can you imagine an avocado hybrid twenty or more feet long?

hihihihihi (Old Chinese Giggle)

Mingo

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Avacondas are long flesh-eating pear-shaped fruits (also called "alligator pear snakes") from the tropics of Montana, USA. (grin)

Ah, no, actually "anaconda" is a South American boa constrictor which wraps itself around its prey and crushes it. They can grow to be 20 feet long, so the difference between a lawyer and an anaconda is obviously length.

Anaconda is also a city in the beautiful State of Montana. And the Anacostia River flows into the Potomac in Washington, D.C., so perhaps the connection --albeit abstract-- is perhaps not length at all.

Avocado is a tropical fruit used in salads, not to be confused with Avogadro's chemical law.

Hope this helps. (wink)

Dave Mason.

(An American in Germany - ed)

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It sure does, Dave, thank you.

Now I know, not only what's an anaconda, but also an avaconda, an avocado, the Anacostia as well as what Avogadro did.

Mingo the no longer ignoramus (at least not as long as an anaconda) ----------------------------------------

Hi people!!!!

Here is a confusing conflict we may help to resolve.

Why do US Citizens call themselves Americans or why do people refer to the United States as America? America is a continent where U.S. is located, as well as Canada, Guatemala, Costa Rica, Brazil, Colombia and so on. Or is it that U.S. think they own the continent or that they are better in everything so why not then call (their portion of the continent) America?

What (do) Rotarians think on this?

Jose Mario Dougherty

Club Rotaract del Valle de Guatemala

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Dear Rotians,

Once again we have touched on a topic with no easy answers.

So may I suggest that from now on we Americans refer to ourselves as Avacondas. This might confuse other countries a little, but surely no one would complain. Then all those terrorists out there could go around calling us those "Dirty Imperialistic Avacondas" and they could write books called "The Ugly Avaconda", etc..

It would just help to clarify exactly who we are! (wouldn't it do that?) For those of you that don't already know what an Avaconda is, it is the cross between a Anaconda (snake) and a Avocado (fruit). And if anyone does a movie about Avacondas I think Mingo and I should get a percentage! Right Mingo???

Don't desert me now Mingo!!

If I have offended any terrorists I apologize.

Semi-Sincerely,

Philip Merritt

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Dear Philip and future United States of Avacondans,

I wouldn't just give the word away, even to the U.S. of Americans. A word like Avaconda is not easy to come by; you've got to cross a snake with a fruit to get it, and you should know that that is not an easy thing to do. Try to repeat this fluke and see if will succeed a second time.

Since the US dollar has been revalued to 30% more than our currency, we should make every effort to rectify this poor situation.

Emulating Bill Gates who became a multi-billionaire with a CD of software simply because it effected (beneficially or otherwise) millions of computer users (except me and Dave Mason and a handful of others in ROTI) we should rake in at least a couple millions of the filthy lucre by allowing the use of a new and guaranteed to be non-provocative name for the millions who are citizens of the U.S.of Avaconda (the new name), a member of the Group of American Nations.

The Stars and Stripes will have to be revised, of course to include a long green and/or purple avocado or a short snake-coloured anaconda (depending on the resultant genes of the off-spring of the union). Of course, a couple more of the millions may be made for the movie rights as you envisaged.

How do you feel to be a millionaire, Philip?

Mingo, Master Businessman (hihihihi - OCG)

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I'm beginning to have wild thoughts.

I was trying to imagine the U.S. invading Iraq again, and I was trying to visualize the Iraqis screaming "Oh my God, here come the Avacondans again"!!

I don't know....... would this strike fear in their hearts, or what? Do you think if we could teach people to really fear "Avacondas", that maybe we could get a percentage from the U.S. Military also!!??? That could be BIG!!!

Maybe we could send some Avacondas to Nigeria to look for those letter writers!! Mingo.......

I was wondering. Are we the only ones having fun with this??????

Philip Merritt Hiding in a hole behind the North Pole

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Well after re-reading our messages I realize that we may have offended the entire world in just a couple of short little e-mails. Therefore I have decided to commit "Hairy Kerry". Kerry is an Uncle of mine who has mental problems and an abundance of hair. (We have been thinking of having him committed to a mental institution for years.) The hole gets deeper and deeper..........

Where are you Mingo????

Philip Merritt Somewhere under the Polar Ice Cap

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5 Nov 97

Wow ... can you imagine Sadam's nightmares ... never be able to imagine whether it's a pear shaped giant snake, or a snake shaped giant avocado, or simply the US cavalry coming to rescue as always when there's need for help .... ROFL&F ... It's a good fun with these Avacondas .... but please Mingo & Philip keep the name royalty free for ROTIans !

Ivan Polacek (aka Khan)

RC Pusan-Tongbaek Pusan, Korea

(currently in RC Shanghai, China)

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Philip,

We probably have overkilled this topic, like the lawyer jokes, so go ahead and commit your uncle Kerry, and I shall extract my foot from my mouth.

But it WAS fun while it lasted.

Mingo

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Oh dear Mingo, and Philip as well,

What a pity!!!!!

I was ROFLing tooooo much.I have found you and Philip a best sarcastic joker I have seen on the list.

Hugs

Deborah Perrone

RC Ribeirão Pires

Brazil

PS - Please, resend it to Philip since he has a unknown address heeheehee (Girlish Brazilian giggle).

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Ivan and all ROTI members,

For your information 90 % of the Avocados grown in the US are grown in San Diego County within 30K's of my home here in Escondido so I guess I could be the leading Avocadoian in ROTI  jejeje (Manly Escondidoan giggle).

Arthur Mccullough

RC Escondido Sunrise,

Escondido, California, USA

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Now we're really in trouble ....

With 90% of Avacondas tracing their origins to your State, how about the rather strict residential regulations there .... (ROFL&F)

Ivan (Khan)

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I must step in and interject here for a moment.

Art only said that 90% of the US of AMERICAN (~;-)) Avocados come from his area whereas, the Avocado originally came from Spain and were introduced by a gentleman named Rideout in the Whittier hills area of California many moons ago.

Inasmuch, both the Avocado and the Anaconda enjoy life in difficult terrain, making both San Diego (~;-)) (Fallbrook) hills and the mating of the couple only natural.

George Schoelles (pronounced shoeless - ed)

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6 Nov 97

Arthur and Ivan,

I would just like to inform you that you are getting very close to copyright infringement by using the term "AVACONDAS"!!!!

Mingo and I have full rights to this name!!!!

I bet you don't even have a clue as to how to get an Anaconda and a Avocado to mate!!!

Now if you would like to invest $30,000 or so, maybe we could work something out. Right Mingo???

(Also I have this great connection in Nigeria if you want to make some quick easy BIG BUCKS!!!!! But don't tell anyone about it!)

SSWWS, (Smack Some Women Where Soft? - ed)

Philip Merritt

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Okay Philip, you take over the active part of the partnership. I'll be the sleeping partner.

Wake me up when we hit the first million bucks.

-zzzzzzzzzzzz-

Mingo

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Mingo and Art,

I've been thinking that since 90% of the Avocados come from around Art's home territory, maybe we should let him in on the deal. What do you think Mingo??? Full partner????

BTW I've been trying to perfect the mating process of Avacondas, so I put a local variety snake (can't find an Anaconda here) with some large Avocados in a cage for several days and all I have come up with is something that looks like Guacamole all over the cage! I'm a little nervous about tasting it, but it looks like the real thing.

I also don't know if the snake was a male or a female and likewise with the Avocado.

Waiting for your advice Mingo!

Philip Merritt

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Philip,

Before committing ourselves, please find out if the particular Avocado that was used to produce the Avaconda did in fact come from San Diego County within 30Kms of Art's home in Escondido. It won't do if the fruit came from one of the other States although the chances are 1 to 9. We'd have claims pouring in from the others too, and then where do we stand?

Same applies to the matter of the origins of the Anaconda.

What's Guavamole? Another hybrid? We might try to get the Guatamalans to adopt that name. Maybe another couple of millions in the kitty if we succeed.

You said, "I also don't know if the snake was a male or a female and likewise with the Avocado". That's quite elementary, my dear Watson. If the Anaconda wraps itself around the fruit. the snake is male. If the Avocado wraps itself around the snake, then the fruit is the male.

Mingo

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What Mingo?

Avacondas aren't enough? Now we have Guavamoles ! ! !

Mingo, I said Guacamole, not Guavamole!!!

Now we've started a whole new species of Guavamolians, and........we're not exactly sure what they are! You know, once we create these creatures they start to take on a life of their own. Pretty soon they are organized and they want to vote and so forth. Remember Mingo, we tried to get rid of the Avacondas and they wouldn't go away!! This all starts rather innocently, but before long;

I can see it now, "The Avacondas vs. Guavamolians - The Final Battle". Saddam leading the Guavamolians to the "Mother of All Battles" against the United States of Avacondas. I'm not sure who will lead the Avacondas??

Philip Merritt Deeper and Deeper under the Polar Ice Pack

Ps Can someone tell Mingo what Guacamole is ? ? ?

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7 Nov 97

Hi Mingo & Philip,

I've never heard about anything like "Guaca ... whatsoever", but as the insider rumours go, the "Guava-Moles" also known as "Guavamoles" are the leftovers from the cold war.

As EVERYBODY knows, it always was difficult to get fresh (or any for that matter) avocados in Moskva in the old days and the Anacondas were also difficult to come by.

So the secret weapon, as an answer to the superior Avacondas was created by mating the (more and more useless) KGB moles with guavas, which have been sent-in in abundance by good old Fidel ...

Now this old story was forgotten, but as I've mentioned, as the rumours go .... be careful to pass this insider information, but the "new-Russian-mafia" might have brought this "Guavamoles" to the mercenary markets ...

I've got to go ... somebody is KNOCKING on the door ... sounds more like the door is being .................. got to RUN NOOOOW!

Ivan Polacek

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Philip,

I got myself new spectacles and a dictionary, and discovered two things

1. The v in guavamole should read c, and

2. There is indeed such a word as guacamole.

It is as follows- **gua-ca-mo-le (n)**.

**A thick paste of mashed avocado, often seasoned with tomato, peppers, or other condiments and usually served as a dip or in salads**.

It does not say what other condiments are mixed with the mess, but if ground roasted peanuts, hot chillis, tamarind and coconut milk, and water is added to thin it down a bit, and the whole thing is cooked over a slow fire, it makes a suitable "satay" (Malaysian delicacy) dip.

As for guavamoles, Ivan has come up with a new explanation of what they are. He claims that they are the hybrids of KGB moles with Cuban guavas and are being put up for sale by the "new-Russian-mafia" possibly in competition with the current Japanese electronic-baby craze that has taken the world by storm. Imagine being forced to nurture KGB moles in Cuban guavas otherwise they will die....

Here again, Philip, is yet another opportunity for us to become billionaires, with careful marketing strategy.

Mingo

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Again the formula was invented in San Diego.

jeje (Short manly giggle - ed)

Art

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Dear Mingo, Ivan, Art, and Everyone,

Well it seems as though Bill Gates has gotten wind of the Avacondas and the Guavamolians and is apparently starting to worry about "Market Share" or something.

I just received an e-mail from one of the Microsoft Vice-Presidents and it looks as though they want to talk about a merger or buy-out.

Looks like we might get a cool three or four million Mingo! (I forgot to ask what currency the 3-4 million would be in) I don't know about you, but I'm inclined to sell these buggers. Waiting for your concurrence.

Philip Merritt

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(A few days break for all to catch their breath for the next launch)

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11 Nov 97

Mingo,

Tell us more.... The fortune cookies intrigue me. How do they work.!!? Jeje (short Afrikana giggle - ed) Here they use bones.. for the same purpose. (Sorry we lost this thread - ed) Usually the best that can be predicted is the number of children, length of life, happiness in love etc.. and all the things that Betty's poetry covers!!

Speaking of Moles - I have a garden full - they cannot be persuaded to leave. (any ideas on how to get rid of them?) The croquet lawn is suffering.

Guavas too abound. Haven't seen any tree climbing Moles at large - so that theory too should be laid to rest.

Hamish Stewart

RC of Nairobi, Africa

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Hi Hamish,

I shall leave it to the Avacondans of the United States to tell you about Chinese cookies for those who frequent Chinese restaurants there swear by them.

You are indeed very fortunate to have a garden full of Moles and trees full of Guava. Instead of getting rid of these Moles you should find a way to multiply them, for they are the means of your good fortune.

To produce Guavamoles that can easily replace the Japanese computerised baby chick that has taken the world's children and their parents by storm, you place a raw Guava at each entrance hole of the Moles.

First thing in the morning, bring along a large basket and collect the Guavas in each of which there will be a Mole. The Mole loves its new home so much it will never be enticed to leave.

To keep it alive it must be fed, bathed, nappy-changed, sung to sleep, petted and loved.

Each Guavamole will be snapped up for US$30.

Buy a calculator if you haven't got one, and calculate your rate of production and the exact date and time you will make your first million, and TT 25% of it to me for my fee which I shall, of course, share with Philip, 50 - 50.

Mingo, Production Consultant.

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Mingo,

I think we should place you as Marketing Director for "Avacondas Guavamoles Inc." (as well as Production Consultant), as you seem to be moving in the right direction with this. I like the $30.00 bucks a pop with a 50/50 split!

Maybe we should have a graphic artist do some drawings of the Avacondas and Guavamoles. I have a rough visual image in my head of what an Avaconda looks like, but when I try to visualize the Guavamoles my head starts hurting! Heck, I don't care what they look like if we can get $30.00 each for them!! Pretty soon Mingo, it's you and me laying on the beach in Tahiti, sipping our Singapore Slings, with beautiful girls feeding us grapes.

Ah, free enterprise!

Philip Merritt

CEO Avacondas Guavamoles Inc.!

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Mingo,

I suppose by now you have noticed that I have assumed the position of Chief Executive Officer of Avacondas Guavamoles Inc. !! Well like they say, "The Early Bird Gets the Worm."

Your good friend in Roti,

Philip

CEO Avacondas Guavamoles Inc.

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10 Nov 97

Can you verify, Mingo, that, yes, you have the one and true definition for "guavacondamerigovespucci sauce"? Or, is this, perhaps, Steve's area of expertise? Continuing to be confused,

 ...in the pines... Charlie Williams

Blue skies!

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11 Nov 97

It's a very complicated mix, this sauce you are asking me to define, Charlie-in-the-pines, but I shall do my best-

**RECIPE FOR GUAVACONDAMERIGOVESPUCCI SAUCE**

Take

three medium size Guavamoles from Hamish Stewart's garden in Nairobi, and

three Avacondan avocados from Art's refrigerator in San Diego, and

mesh these to a fine paste and

mix vigorously with

a tin of Italian vespucci (whatever that is). Then

pass on the mix to Steve Sokol in Houston, Texas where he will

hot-stir it in

a pot of leftover oil from a chicken fried steak

couriered over by Linda Brooks Goins (soon to be consorting with a Lion) in Fort Worth, Dallas or thereabouts (she has moved).

--BTW don't misunderstand. In this context, consorting means getting properly hitched -- hihihihi (OCG)

To add body and excitement to the sauce

throw in

a piece of Australian meatpie. This could be from north or from south of the drain they call Murray, whichever arrives first. Then take

a bunch of daisies from Darryl's lurkers in Dunedin, New Zealand after they have finished smelling them, and

lightly sprinkle the petals on for aroma.

Alternatively for those who prefer the fragrance of durian,

leave out the daisies and

add durian instead.

And of course, Charlie, don't forget to

cook the mess over a pinewood fire. After it has cooled, throw in

a dozen live snails flown in (as cargo - ed) specially from France to add life to the mix.

This sauce is suitable for anything you want to eat - meats, fruit, salads, soups, anything. Or, if you wish,

chuck the lot into the nearest manhole.

Steve, you have my permission to include this in your Recipe Page, thank you

Mingo

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Mingo,

You clearly get the prize for the best pure ROTIan recipe submitted.

It sounds delicious, but I still have one minor problem. Linda has promised the left over oil from the "second best chicken fry in the world" (the only thing missing is the oil polluted air of Houston), and I have most of the other ingredients in my kitchen. I have vespucci and even some vegemite, but even the folks in Chinatown tell me that durians are not edible. So, if you can point me to a shipper of durians, I can put it all together.

By the way, as an ex-Floridian, I wonder how they let the Californians get away with claiming the fame on avocados. California surely produces more and they are more consistent, but in a good year, there is no avocado in the world that can touch a Florida avocado for taste and texture. Only commercial appeal saves the ones from that State in northern Mexico.

I have to go get ready for the wedding of Lovely Linda from delightful Dallas (area).

Hope Rotary on your side of the world is keeping service in balance.

Steve Sokol

Houston, Texas, USA

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Inform this lurker- what is a Guavamole???

Sam Chapman Liberty, Missouri, USA

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Hi Lurker Sam,

Guavamoles have undergone a series of transformations.

The latest description of a Guavamole is a Mole lurking in a Guava.

Mingo

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Can I please have the exclusive Australia and New Zealand franchise.

This looks like something that is too good to miss and will make up for my rejecting 10% of IBM in 1954 and 10% of Microsoft in 1974. I can't wait to get my hands on some of this stuff.

If Aussies'll buy Vegemite, think what they'll go for something like this.

Norman Harker (somewhere in Australia - ed)

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12 Nov 97

Mingo,

Do you think we should let Norman have the Aus./New Zealand area, or should we put it up for bidding. I kind of feel sorry for him with the IBM, Microsoft story! I'll leave it up to you while I go play a round of golf.

That's what CEO's do you know.

Philip Merritt

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Hey Guys!

If sympathy on IBM and Microsoft shares'll sway you, I also turned down the Beatles when I worked at Decca in 1962.

Oh Please! Gimme a break! Aussies'll be sure to go a bomb on Avacondas and Guavamoles. I mean! They eat MacDonald's! They go to Pizza Hut they eat KFC and Dunkin Donuts. They'll go bonkers for A & G's. I love it so much, I'll even buy a round of beer and that only happened once before (when Poms lost the Ashes in Australia!).

This product'll go nowhere if you don't go International. Coke did it; Macca's did it; etc.

Now for A & G's.

Today USA; tomorrow Australia; the day after-- the Universe.......

Norman

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OK OK OK, Norman, you've got Australia and New Zealand ! !

I like a persistent person! Let's start drumming up some sales Norm. Time is money ! ! !

If you are buying beer, I'll take a Heinekin. That OK with you Mingo?? He's buying beer Mingo!

Philip Merritt

CEO Avacondas Guavamoles Inc.

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13 Nov 97

OK Norman, I'm considering you in a very small manner.

How about sub-franchising Queensland to me. We might even be able to grow our own up here!

Cathy Grainger

Rotary Club of Townsville Daybreak

North Queensland, Australia

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Sorry Cathy but we're auctioning off Queensland in parcels.

I'm at present trying to get some pictures for the promotional brochure and we're waiting for some stock to come from the Breeders (or should I put in a l somewhere in that last word?).

I have some C class shares in AG Inc but I'm awaiting some advice as to the optimum time for a float. You'll appreciate that unlike the Australian Government we manage major floats of shares with great precision.

I might swap some AGs for some more Long Nosed Australian Terriers and I'd give my Mother-in-Law's arm and a leg for a Corgi so as I get that Queen of my back. Who'd have thought she could get so shirty just because her perishing dog goes missing.

Norman

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Right! I have the franchise for Australia and New Zealand.

We haven't got any of the the product yet but the guys in the US are working hard on it.

Now, in case you hadn't noticed, Australia's a pretty big place and what with New Zealand, I might be persuaded to part with a chunk for a small consideration.

Better do a bit of market research!

Hey Phil! Mingo! How does this stuff go down with sheep?

Norman

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Not so good, I'm afraid, Norman.

Recent research reported that too much Avacondas and Guavamoles in the feed can cause sheep to moo like cows. So be very careful how you dispose of AG leftovers. Otherwise there won't be anymore sheep in New Zealand - only cows, and there is already a glut of these there.

Mingo

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Uh........ Mingo could you handle the sheep question???

I'm out for another round of golf!

Philip

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All CEOs do the same thing - spend their waking hours at the golf course. Don't they ever work?

Mingo the Grumbler

PS: I've anticipated your request and answered Norman's query.

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Memo to Philip Merritt CEO Avacondas Guavamoles Inc

All this clamour to get into the act encourages me to propose that we go into public listing.

Offering ten million US$1 shares at US$1.50 should bring us US$5 million. US$2.5 million for each of us. Convert that into Philippine pesos and Malaysia Ringgit and we are multi-millionaires ! ! ! !!

Heinekins galore ! ! ! !!

Mingo the Money-mad

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14 Nov 97

Sounds good from this end Mingo.

Effective immediately Avacondas Guavamoles Inc. is going public!

But Mingo, I'm not sure about your math! I've figured it ten times and I'm starting to get another headache! Is this new math? Let me know.

So all you Rotians out there place your orders. We do take credit cards! (Temporarily not accepting orders from Nigeria.)

What do you think about giving 10% to The Rotary Foundation Mingo? (PHF's aplenty)

Philip Merritt

CEO Avacondas Guavamoles Inc.

A Subsidiary of MMM Enterprises

PS: Does anyone read old Joseph Heller?

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Mingo and Rotians,

It seems as though the price of shares in Avacondas Guavamoles Inc. has plummeted drastically due to unknown reasons.

The Board of Directors is talking about Chapter 13 bankruptcy!!!

Looks like my golfing days may be over for a while. Life as a CEO has it's ups and downs Mingo. Looks like I'll be selling Amway Products for a while.

Crying in my beer, (Heinekin)

Philip Merritt

CEO Avacondas Guavamoles Inc.

Division of MMM Enterprises

PS: Didn't anyone out there read the book Catch 22 ? ? ?

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What's Amwag Products?

Mingo the Curious

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My dear Mingo,

Amwag Products Inc. is basically similar to Amway in it's fundamental structure, however the nature of its products is somewhat controversial in as much as their product line is primarily used American Dog tails. P.E.T.A and The Association for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals is right on top of this and is taking them to court!

How did you hear about Amwag Mingo???

Philip Merritt

Deep under the Polar Ice Pack

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Dear Amwag,

I take it they come either fried, grilled or frozen????

Is that with or without the appendages??

Geoffrey B.W.Little

aka The Smiling Policeman

PS. Sorry folks, I couldn't resist - now I have to confess I have joined the in(s)ane elements of our lovely ROTI list.

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Phil ! ! ! !! What happened?

If you let the Amwags get mixed up with the stock I will personally set the Long nosed Australian Terrier loose in your direction. We have staff in two continents relying on you! Poor Mingo won't be able to afford his round fees if you've screwed up.

I'll have to cancel that offer to buy a drink. This could be as bad as Australia losing cricket to South Africa or worse, the Poms!

Put me out of my agony. WHAT'S HAPPENED?

Norman.

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Philip and Others,

I think we have what may be described as an insidious Avaconda-Guavamole infectious disease which has descended on the current crop - the reason it seems is because of the lack an antidote for immunisation against the absence of intellectual property.

I think with a bit of good old Ozzie know how, we could remedy the situation with some biological tinkering, a brain transplant, and a replant of the crop to Bondi Beach, with the rest of the population of New Zealand (which lives nearby) to water them. Everyone could then migrate to Bondi Beach from the four corners of the globe to watch them grow - but you wont get a parking spot.

Geoffrey B.W.Little

----------------------------------------

As owner of the Australian / New Zealand franchise I would confirm application to wind up in Australia unless support is indicated by at least 5% (50) of shareholders (all ROTI members are shareholders). Indicate support by private e-mail to

                                               <nharker@ozemail.com.au>

This way we ensure that the subject is continued if a reasonably significant sized group of members were amused and find it contributes to Fellowship and call it a day if they're bored. I would only add to the excellent comments of the Board that there were developing possibilities of fundraising although I was trying to work out how we could do it without breaching ROTI rules.

Norman Harker

----------------------------------------

Philip.

It was one of those junk mail I get everyday, mixed with those enticing offers to make me an instance millionaire from Nigeria so long as I lend them my bank account. You know that sort of thing.

Amwag Inc. offered to make me Regional Rep. for its products. I did get the idea that it was a setup set up to compete with Amway.

Thank you for your information. I would never be associated with anything that deals in American dogtails and is currently under simultaneous investigation by P.E.T.A. and the Association for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. No wonder there seem to be an abundance of Rotweilers, Bull Terriers, Dobermans, and other tailess dogs around. I had always wondered what happened to their tails.

A question immediately comes to mind - does this apply to all the Americas or only to the U.S. of Avaconda? Now, if Amwag will switch to trafficking in oxtails then I am all for supporting it, stewed oxtails in Thai Tomyum sauce being one of my favourite dishes, especially if cooked by Kate. (Recipe given free of charge on application)

Oxen do not actually wag their tails but they switch them from side to side which may be mistaken for wagging.

I hope this answers your question how I heard about Amwag.

Mingo - Conditionally Potential Rep for Amwag Inc.

----------------------------------------

16 Nov 97

Dear George (and his mate - AND WE ALL KNOW WHO THAT IS, DON'T WE??)

Carpetbaggers - the both of you!!!

Geoffrey B.W.Little

----------------------------------------

Hey Geoffrey,

What is this "AND WE ALL KNOW WHO THAT IS DON'T WE" stuff ! ! !

What? Some people are so infamously terrible that their names shan't be mentioned???

Well, I'm only vaguely aware of who you might be talking about, so I shan't worry about it! ! ! !!

BTW, you should have bought Avacondas Guavamoles shares when they were 2 cents each!! Bought a couple of million myself! Early bird gets the worm, Geoffrey!

The shares are still a pretty good buy at $1.86 each, in my opinion.

Carpetbaggers indeed!! WELL!!!....

Philip Merritt

CEO Ava Guavas Inc.

Division of MMM Enterprises

----------------------------------------

Yeah man, Direct Sales. That's the in thing to get the fast buck.

Mingo

PS. What's a carpetdagger?

----------------------------------------

Hi Philip,

It seems we have introduced two brand-new words into the English/American/Australian dictionary. Their meanings are currently not quite clear.

Avaconda is for all intents and purposes, a new word for a citizen of the United States of America in compliance with those other Americans who object to any monopolistic use of the word "American".

But Guavamole is the big headache. Is it a mole residing in a guava? Or a black spot on the fruit? Or a new mental disease? Or the offspring of an Avaconda and a guava? We shall have to get together in an immediate forum to decide on this urgent matter.

Mingo (no title)

----------------------------------------

George,

Definitely needs a bit of `R and D' which is no doubt why Sadman Hessian is getting angry at the United Nations coz they want to sabotage his hoard of `you know what's'. Besides smothering all the UN's cameras in durians, they have been combusting a pile of `you know what's' in the corner. If they ever let them out it could cause the entire Middle and Both Ends of the Middle East to gasp!!! and WOW!!! is Australia worried.

Given the `you know what's' have now been scattered to the four corners of Mesopotamia, those manipulating the Stock Exchange (AND WE KNOW WHO THAT IS, DON'T WE???) are desperately looking for a way out. They gave the game away when the `you know what's' started singing Hava na gila in Filipino (it sounds so much like Yiddish on a dark night with your ears stuffed with durian).

NB. These revelations have been made in the name of insanity, untruthfulness and just ice.

Geoffrey B.W.Little

----------------------------------------

Geoffrey,

I am sorry I cannot make reply to this AND YOU KNOW WHY, DON'T WE? Except for one point - you must possess the MOTHER OF ALL EARS to be able to stuff them with durians, and if you did you'd be yelling insanely, not singing Hava na Gila in pain, the spikes on the fruit being what they are - sharp.

Mingo

----------------------------------------

........... and GILA standing in Indonesian - and Malay, I suppose - for insane!

"Razor" aka Peter D. Wulff,

----------------------------------------

Dear Rotians,

It seems as though I have some good news. Yesterday evening I visited the main warehouse of Avacondas Guavamoles Inc., and as I was approaching the warehouse, to my surprise, I heard loud singing coming out of the warehouse even from a distance!

Well to make a long story short, we had a large quantity of Avacondas and Guavamoles in separate cages, ready for shipment, in the warehouse. Somehow the little rascals opened the cages and started mating with each other. In the span of a week they reproduced thousands of cute little Ava Guavas.

And the amazing thing is these cute little Ava Guavas love to sing!!! I've never seen anything like it, and they are very, very cute.

So I was thinking that Christmas is just around the corner and what would make a more perfect present than a cute little singing Ava Guava!!!!

It could be the new rage!!!

Anyway I sent in a release to Associated Press and within hours the stock is already coming back up!!

Mingo, I need some help with this! I'm going to get my golf clubs out of the closet!

BTW I am sending Paul Nelson a nice Christmas package of 12 Ava Guavas for his kids!!

Philip Merritt

CEO Ava Guavas Inc.

Division of MMM Enterprises

----------------------------------------

Thank you Phil... Please dress them warmly it's cooold here right now!

 Paul J. Nelson

Oswego Rotary Club, Oswego, New York USA

----------------------------------------

To Paul, with love-

On the twelveth day of Christmas Philip Merritt said to me Twelve Ava Guavas and a partridge in a pear tree.

Mingo

----------------------------------------

Dear `Stock Racketeer' Paul Nelson,

I have heard of manipulation of the Stock Market but this beats it all. No wonder the currency of durian has gone by the wayside. Perhaps we can save Thailand after all. Didn't you say these little rascals can `peso' from a great height, run `ringgits' around the dollar with a `baht' which is worse than their bite - they're lousy singers I'll bet!!

Geoffrey B.W.Little.

----------------------------------------

Dear Philip and that guy Mingo,

As we are deep under the Polar Ice Pack it is going to be very difficult for the next six months to see just what one is stuffing in one's ears, pointy bits included, but it must have some relationship with `carpet(D)aggers (JUST WHO NEEDS GLASSES AROUND HERE??) `someone' was inquiring about - OR - this is a case of someone living `high on the hog' and counting his ill-gotten gains from him manipulated stock float whilst he wades about in a sea of Tanunda Rum or San Miguel???

Just don't forget Sadman He's-insane who has no doubt outmaneuvered you both and had all your stock (including the Stock Exchange) shipped back to the Hanging Gardens of Babble disguised as transistor radios.

Beware of U2 photographs of a thousand miles of hose pipe!!!

The Philippines is closer than you think.

This could be ROTI's final revenge - and thereby hangs a tail.

YOU KNOW WHO

----------------------------------------

MOM'S POTATO SALAD

2 Tablespoons olive oil; optional

Salt and freshly ground pepper to taste

4 cups cubed cooked potatoes

1 cups chopped dill pickles

3 medium size chopped onions

6 hard cooked eggs, coarsely chopped

2/3 cup real mayonnaise; add more to taste

2 tablespoons chopped parsley;

optional 1 Ava Guava finely chopped;

optional 1 Amwag dog-tail finely chopped;

very optional Combine and eat with BBQ Ribs!

Contributed by Philip Merritt

----------------------------------------

17 Nov 97

Looks mighty good!!

Mind if I leave out the last two ingredients?? A little too exotic for me...

Betty Opheim,

Fargo, North Dakota, USA.

Oh, BTW, thanks for sharing it!

----------------------------------------

Philip,

Mom's Potato Salad sounds real nice. Just one suggestion though. Instead of eating it with BBQ Ribs as you suggest, why not try the more modern version: Eat with knife and fork.

Regards,

Ray Smith

Rotary Club of Doncaster Sunrise

Victoria, Australia

----------------------------------------

MOM'S REVISED POTATO SALAD

2 Tablespoons olive oil; optional

Salt and freshly ground pepper to taste

4 cups cubed cooked potatoes

1 cups chopped dill pickles

3 medium size chopped onions

6 hard cooked eggs, coarsely chopped

2/3 cup real mayonnaise; add more to taste

2 tablespoons chopped parsley;

optional 1 Ava Guava finely chopped;

optional 1 Amwag dog-tail finely chopped;

very optional 1 Ear from Ray Smith finely chopped and marinated in vinegar

Combine and ENJOY with your favorite BBQ Ribs!

----------------------------------------

Hello Deborah,

Of course I kept chucking the guavas out and that accounted for about 700 messages, but small things amuse small boys.

I must get back to posting some messages next week, more so if there is some room after those guavas have been destroyed.

Kind regards,

Ray Smith

----------------------------------------

Mingo,

I just received word that RAY SMITH made some insulting and possibly slanderous remarks concerning Ava Guava Inc.

Maybe let a couple of our Attorneys take a look at the letter and see if we have grounds for action. Have them send a threatening letter or something. Also, maybe send a couple of the "boys" over to rough him up a bit. Just send a couple of the "Small Boys", we don't want to hurt him too much.

For my part, I'm going to send him a few Ava Guavas mixed in with a big basket of fruit. When he opens the basket they will start singing Christmas Carols to him!!

That should take care of the situation.

Being the CEO, I should probably take the high road. I don't want my reputation tarnished you know.

If you don't want to rough him up Mingo, just offer him a job as Vice-President in the six figure range. Give him access to the Lear-Jet for a week.

I'm off to the links. I got an invitation to play golf with the CEO of Amwag.

Something's cooking I think!

Thanks Mingo. You're doing a great job!!!

Philip Merritt

BTW, I'm researching the CarpetDaggers. Could be some money there!!

Also tell Ray Smith to read the book "Catch 22".

----------------------------------------

17 Nov 07

Ray Smith, sir,

Instead of taking legal action against you for your slanderous remarks concerning the principal product of our company the Ava Guava Inc., I shall instead offer you the alternative choice of reading from cover to cover the book "Catch 22".

This should make you suffer agonies of whatever that book makes you suffer.

I remain,

sir,

One of Your Small Boys,

Mingo (who has never heard of such a book until now)

 ----------------------------------------

Thanks for the offer Mingo but I think I'll settle for an Ava Gardner.

Regards,

Ray.

----------------------------------------

Hi Phil,

What's Ray talking about? What's an Ava Gardener?

Mingo

----------------------------------------

17 Nov 97

Well I was hoping the secret of the Ava-Gardeners was going to stay inside the Corporation. But it seems as though the rogue spy Geoffrey (alias "YOU KNOW WHO") has gained access and has slipped the information to Ray Smith over in Australia!!!

Apparently we had some gardeners that were working near the primary warehouse of Ava Guava Inc., where most of the Ava Guavas are residing. After a week on the job they became curious about what was in the warehouse, and decided to go exploring.

Big mistake!!

It seems that Ava Guavas kept in captivity acquire a voracious sexual appetite for mammals outside of their species!!!

Some of the lusty female Ava Guavas apparently attacked the gardeners as they entered the building and held them as sexual slaves for several days!!!

(We've taken special precautions, and all of the feeders and caretakers now wear special c-belts for protection)

Well two days ago I got word that the naughty Ava Guavas that participated in the attack have, in fact, given birth to some Ava Gardeners!!!!

These new creatures are not as cute as the Ava Guavas and as a matter of fact are downright homely. We won't be able to sell these buggers for Christmas presents, but we are still waiting to see if they might be of some use helping with the yard work. They are still very young! I'm not really sure if Ray Smith is interested in the "Lusty Ava Guavas" or if he is waiting to see how the Ava Gardeners turn out! You can't really blame him, I have heard that it gets rather lonely down there in Australia sometimes!

Whatever you do Mingo, stay away from the warehouse, or at least wear one of the c-belts!!

I have a feeling that Geoffrey knows more than he is telling!

Philip Merritt

----------------------------------------

Phil!

What's happened to the Long Nosed Australian Terriers?

If they're in the genes anywhere then watch out. Whatever you do, don't go near the pool without a powerful gun and a suicide pill.

Still a bit concerned.

The shares are doing quite nice. They seem to be a good counter cyclical investment that moves up each day that Gold, $AUS and Asian currencies go down.

However, I still haven't got any stock or photos and I've got the prospectuses (aka sucker sheets) all ready for parceling up the Australian NZ rights.

You know how I lost Liz's Corgi? Well, d'ya reckon that she might be happy with one of these Ava-Gardeners as a replacement? She's getting a bit impatient and threatening removal of my warrant and a couple of other things I'm rather attached to.

Still, no worries (or mai me pan ha!) she's in Arizona and the long arm of Arizona law doesn't stretch this far. I think she's getting a bit bored now the 50th Anniversary is over and all the kids have gone home. She's got nothing but the washing up to do and worrying about her dogs.

Give us the address of P. D. Jain or any other mug and I'll send a bona fide share certificate. You know, the partly paid up C class shares that rank slightly below my dog when it comes to a share of the profits.

Wish I could get that Corgi back.

Reckon we could do something with these share certificates? Evidence of donation or effort to some worthy cause produces one C class share certificate with full rights! I suppose we ought to give the appearance of selling something?

There's a lot of activity around the warehouse at present so I best go.

Norman

----------------------------------------

I might swap some AGs for some more Long Nosed Australian Terriers and I'd give my Mother-in-Law's arm and a leg for a Corgi so as I get that Queen off my back. Who'd have thought she could get so shirty just because her perishing dog goes missing.

Norman

----------------------------------------

Hi Norman,

If there's a Chinese restaurant nearby you might find it, perished, somewhere in the kitchen (ROFLLikeMad)

Mingo

----------------------------------------

Thanks Mingo!

No that's not what happened!

While HM Elizabeth (of Arizona) was on a State visit (re our Royal Appointment) her Corgi goes sniffing around the warehouse. Well, as you know we're a bit careful down here because some laughing policeman keeps threatening all sorts of you know what about our activities. So, we had the Long Nosed Australian Terrier off the leash (mind you, its difficult to put one on).

This stupid Corgi goes in the warehouse where we're supposed to store the AGs when we eventually get some delivered and ......

End of one Corgi; one well fed LNAT.

I pretended to HM that it got lost and I'd send it to her.

Trouble is.... I only wish that it had been used by the local Chinese Restaurant. It's a famous delicacy and someone would have got something out of it.

As it is I'm getting increasingly impatient calls from HM and it looks like I'm going to have to pass the Four Way Test on it. I only hope that (like the LNAT) she swallows it. I've got 1,250,000 "C" Class Share Certificates in Avaconda-Guavamole Inc Pty Sdn Bhd Co Ltd (By Royal Appointment). I can't get that lot reprinted.

Thanks for the suggestion Mingo but I'm really in the sh.... this time.

Have a good Christmas in Sabah.

I'll be in Malaysia (KL) from 31st December to 12th January (MBA (Real Estate) lecturing in Property Development). I hope to pick up some flags and some fellowship whilst I'm there before its on to Indonesia for a week promoting a similar course in Jakarta.

Norman

----------------------------------------

Dear George and Company,

Have you thought of sending your Av/Guav prospectus to Nigeria. You will succeed where everyone else has failed.

Go on, drive them all crazy.

You might send one off the Sadman He's-insane as well.

Geoffrey B.W.Little.

----------------------------------------

Dear Philip,

My friend George Sirus (not his real name) is not by any chance involved in manipulating the market in Ava Guava shares, is he?

It seems, by some accounts, that he has been wreaking havoc with the currencies and economies of some defenceless countries, so such a caper would be a trifle to one such as he!

Tell us the secret, Phil, is this a crafty scheme to push down the price and then buy more.

WHEN SHOULD WE BUY ?

Robert Craiu

RC Singapore

----------------------------------------

Dear Robert,

Oh my, my how things can change in a day's time. I can't believe you mentioned George Sirus!!! George just flew in from Hong Kong and took me out to the Country Club for a VERY nice dinner!!

I had no idea that George was so heavily invested in Ava Guava! Well anyway George made me realize that the situation wasn't nearly as bad as I originally thought. In fact he convinced me that it wouldn't do anyone any good to reveal what I thought I saw yesterday morning. Apparently George got wind of some very heavy selling of Ava Guava in the market, and due to his rather flush position in Ava Guava Inc., decided to get with me and stabilize the situation!

Let me just say that George can be very persuasive!!!

Some of you will probably hear a few news stories about some rogue Iraqis who were apprehended while carrying chemical weapons on or about the premises of Ava Guava Central Warehouses and Headquarters and a few other disgusting details, however all I can say is "Don't Believe Everything You Read"!!!! I will be categorically denying these reports!!

Mingo my trusted ally, can we get the spin control people on this ASAP, and could you please tell "YOU KNOW WHO" to please get in touch with his best friend "YOU KNOW WHO" and advise him to just keep playing with his toy Scud Missiles and "GARDEN HOSE" and stay away from Ava Guava!!!!

BTW Mingo, I just got a call from Amwag Inc. and they are thinking of starting up a new line. How do you think the Ava Guavas would look without their cute tails????

We could make people think that they are even cuter than they were before!!?? George keeps telling me that "Perception is 90%, Perception is 90%"!!!!!

Also Robert, to answer your question; BUY, BUY, BUY!!!!!

There has been some speculation that SOMEONE might be manipulating the stock market. Well I can categorically deny that myself or anyone in our organization would purposely or intentionally with malice or forethought and without due consideration to applicable laws and legal covenants for the respected jurisdiction regarding allegations, presumptions and innuendo and international standards of good and ethical practice!!

I hope that settles that question!!

Also Mingo, I've been thinking of putting "WHAT'S HIS NAME-YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE DON'T YOU" in charge of corporate dirty tricks. Seems to be right up his alley! What do you think?

Philip Merritt

----------------------------------------

Phil,

Getting a few problems down here!

I've got Rotary threatening to chuck me out muttering about methods of conducting business. I've got the Australian Securities Commission wanting to see me urgently regarding stock manipulation. The Department of Fair Trading has raised questions about Pyramid selling. The RSPCA has got wind of the fact that I keep Long Nosed Australian Terriers in the warehouse. The local council is worried about what I'm doing in the warehouse and my wife is getting a bit worried about the fancy sounding woman I keep talking to.

I can handle these annoyances but I really do need at least a photo of some stock AG's because I'm getting ready to parcel up Australia and New Zealand and some guy is bound to ask to see a sample before he parts with his money.

As you know you and Mingo are in for 10% and I reckon we should be able to pull in a few bucks:- as you know, they're pretty dumb in Victoria and Queensland.

At the moment I tell them they're like Tamagochis in appeal except that they appeal to all generations and that most people will want about 5 or 6 of them rather than just 1.

Operation Buckingham is moving along OK but I need a special authority before I do the press release. Shares here are now doing quite well after the "correction" and I have now regained 75% ownership.

Thanks for those press releases! I'll buy you a beer!

Norm.

----------------------------------------

Hey Norman,

Is a "Long Nosed Australian Terrier" something I should worry about? Any relation to the "Pit Bull"?

Philip Merritt

----------------------------------------

I'm still waiting to find out how you screwed up Phil! Sell down your shares by all means. I'm a buyer right now but then I'm in the middle of a negotiation that should put AG back in the money BIG TIME and I mean Bill Gates Type Big. Get your broker to contact me direct, I'll take all you want to sell.

Now own up, and tell us about the Great Avacondas Guavamole Disaster.

You were right to be concerned about my threat of setting loose the Long Nosed Australian Terrier.

The Long Nosed Australian Terrier is the fiercest dog in the World and will make mincemeat out of any other dog that you care to name in less than 10 seconds. Pit Bulls won't go near it! They're great guard dogs but a bit difficult to train. The breed is native to Australia and they're quite common in the North of Queensland and the Northern Territory.

They go back a long way in history and Aboriginal Dreamtime history is full of references to them.

They do have another name that escapes me at present. I wonder if anyone else knows it

(VBG)

Norman

----------------------------------------

Norman,

I take it then that your Long Nosed Australian Terrier is found only north of the Drain you call the Murray.

Why then does it claim to be "Australian" ? Won't the terriers from other parts of Australia object to this? This brings to mind somewhat similar claims that Texas IS the United States of Avaconda, and the United States of Avaconda IS America, and the Commonwealth Countries IS British, and the United States Baseball championship IS the World Series, and the Earth IS the Centre of Creation (the last claim is MY VERY OWN Invention - Mingo the Inventor).

Another query - do your Long Nosed Australian Terriers still have tails? I know that the Guavamoles had been at them and once these creatures attack, their victims will no longer have tails to Amwag.

As for Philip's Unfinished Symphony, I'd rather he, like Schubert's, leave it unfinished, otherwise it'd crash down from its classical perch and cause yet another recession.

Mingo

----------------------------------------

Dear Phil,

Would Norman be referring to the noble Dingo, by any chance ? BTW rumours in the Singapore Stock Market today have it that a partnership consisting of George Sirus and one of President Suharto's sons are going to make a bid for Ava Guava sending the shares skyrocketing in a declining market

- THANKS FOR THE TIP, PHIL !

Robert Craiu

----------------------------------------

Dear George,

Careful what you say about our PM - he is apt to sue at a drop of a hat! Can you prove that he has acquired a large number of A-G shares quietly?

Robert Craiu

----------------------------------------

Gentlemen;

At first I was going to demand to be the Canadian distributor for this fine product but being from Manitoba which is the wholesale capital of Canada I felt I should wait to get a better feel of the potential profit. However it appears that this is beginning to look like the initial analysis was 'salted' .

I hope that there will not be any helicopter rides for the board of directors as one Bre-X was enough.

William (Bill) Cordingley

Gimli Rotary Club

Gimli, Manitoba, Canada

----------------------------------------

Phil -

Don't let Norman get near you with his Long Nosed Australian Terrier!! In Oz they import crocodiles, cut off their tails, and paint them yellow. That is what a L.N.A.T. really is. Of course they're mean. The only good bone in a croc's body is in his tail, and when that is gone they are pure, concentrated, viciousness. They especially like pit bulls, because the pit bull's wiry hair cleans their teeth.

No matter how much Ava Guava stock Norman buys, don't let him insist on setting up a L.N.A.T. subsidiary. If he did, you would soon have no inventory, no employees, no guard dogs, and your own legs would be the next to go.

Consider yourself forewarned.

If you get too apprehensive about this, come to Vermont for Christmas.

Kent Aldershof

(Somewhere in New Jersey)

----------------------------------------

Dear Rotians and Stockholders,

The Board of Directors of Ava Guava Inc. (Myself and Mingo included) have been touched by the degree of wisdom and intellectual profundity that has transpired in the last few days concerning "Paul Harris Fellows" and The Rotary Foundation, and we have decided to give all of our employees a day off this Sunday as a gesture of respect for this solemn occasion.

We will be calling this special holiday "The Foundation Contemplation Day". Also because Ava Guava Inc. has recently experienced massive windfall profits due to its very bullish outlook, the Board has decided to contribute $25,000,000.00 to TRF! (Some of the Board members were wondering if they would get Recognition medals and pins for each $1000 of the $25,000,000.00. They thought the medals might make nice Christmas presents.) They also wanted to verify that this donation was 100% tax deductible!!

I would also like to announce at this time the unsuccessful attempted takeover of Ava Guava Inc. by none other than Amwag Inc.!!!!

Apparently this rogue corporation was trying to buy legitimacy, integrity and credibility by associating itself with our Corporation!!!! The nerve!!!

BTW, thanks Norman for the speedy delivery of the Terriers. Our night watchman said they are indeed ferocious!!!! Took a piece out of his new pants!

Mingo my friend, something's been troubling me lately.........

Philip Merritt

CEO Ava Guava Inc.

Division of MMM Enterprises

----------------------------------------

Dear Ava Guava Board,

I am quite certain that Cliff Dochterman, Chaiman of The Rotary Foundation Board of Trustees, will be pleased to travel to your company to pick up the check and give extensive positive thanks and press coverage for your generous donation. Let me suggest that you begin arrangements for a certified check or bank transfer - I suspect that a stock donation may not prove acceptable in this instance because of the particular fruits involved.

Service Above Self

Pryse Duerfeldt

Rotary Club of Marquette; PDG D-6220

----------------------------------------

Dear PDG Pryse,

Well I talked to my secretary and it seems that the $25,000,000.00 check is "in the mail". (I certainly hope it didn't get lost!!) As far as Cliff Dochterman, Chairman of the Rotary Foundation, traveling to the Ava Guava warehouse; well let me just say that this would unquestionably be an unparalleled, extraordinary and shocking event, to say the least!

Also, there seem to be some serious leaks concerning some of our Corporate secrets in the Asia Region, resulting in an overall breach of security and stability of Ava Guava Inc.!!! I'm not positive, but I could speculate and make an educated guess that it is possibly and most probably "YOU KNOW WHO"!!!!!!

BTW if they don't receive the check in the next week or two just let me know and I'll put another one "in the mail" pronto!

Philip Merritt

CEO Ava Guava Inc.

Division of MMM Enterprises

----------------------------------------

Dear Phil,

I wonder if a .jpg facsimile would work. By the way, are you developing an annotated composite file on the Ava Guava affair as I suggested?

Pryse

----------------------------------------

Dear Ava-Guave Incorporated,

I don't think the cheque (notice the correct spelling) is going to make it. The last I heard, it was so big it wouldn't fit through the little aperture in the postbox. The container ship which was finally hired to convey it sank when they threw off the ropes, so if it was not crossed `Not Negotiable' I think we might see the economies of Japan, Thailand and Malaysia getting a bit of a kick along.

On the other hand, if there is a proliferation of garden hoses around the world, you can just bet a certain Arab gentleman is up to his old tricks.

So, whoever said the cheque is in the mail had better think of something pretty quick.

YOU KNOW WHO.

----------------------------------------

BTW Isn't this a better debate than that about Avacondas or Guavamoles (whatever they are) ?

Ted Mason

RC of Southport Links

District 1180

RIBI

----------------------------------------

It would appear that they are on their well deserved way into extinction.

"Razor" aka Peter D. Wulff

----------------------------------------

Dear Peter Wulff,

Didn't a relative of Paul Harris own a plantation of them in the Philippines???

I am informed on no authority whatsoever (perhaps another of the the dark deeds of the CIA again) they have a `Paul Harris Look-a-like Contest' every Installation Night in one of the Provinces.

YOU PROBABLY KNOW WHO.

----------------------------------------

Dear PDG Pryse,

Thank you so much for your presumption that someone might like to have the Ava Guava story chronicled. I will try to do that in the next couple of days. Currently, I have four computers here in my office torn apart, for refitting and reformatting, and I am very close to techno-braindead!!!

This situation is leaving me with few hours for fun and frolic, but it should ease up in a couple of days. BTW has anyone heard from Charlie "in the Pines" lately? Are you out there Charlie?? Are you feeling better? Also Governor ah..... about the check, well ah.....you see Ava Guava Inc. has been hurting a little bit the last few days and ah... well $25,000,000.00 is quite a lot of money so maybe, ah.........well, ah.

Philip Merritt

----------------------------------------

Phil,

I don't think there is any urgency to getting the whole story out. Maybe as a Christmas present? It would certainly take a bit longer if you picked up on my suggestion to annotate it with Asian financial news of the time.

Pryse

----------------------------------------

30 Nov 97

Dear Mingo, Norman, Stockholders, and "YOU KNOW WHO",

I have some late breaking and rather disturbing news coming from Ava Guava World Headquarters in New York. It seems that our main office is under siege by the Securities and Exchange Commission for investigation of Stock Market Manipulation, Insider Trading and Fraud!! These accusations are totally and completely unfounded and they don't even dignify a response!

We VEHEMENTLY deny any involvement in such practices!!

Mingo, considering the seriousness of these allegations I would advise you and Norman to burn all your records of Ava Guava Inc. and also be sure to burn the "Certificates"!!! Also, would you make "appropriate payments" to all employees who have "specific" knowledge of our circumstances!! Again let me reiterate my total shock and dismay at these absurd charges made against our Corporation! Ava Guava Inc. has nothing to hide! Mingo, I'm leaving the Country for a while and will stay in touch with my laptop. It might be prudent not to mention where I'm going. Norman, I am taking a couple of the Australian Long Nose Terriers with me "just in case".

Philip Merritt

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1 Dec 97

Norman, Stockholders and UKW,

We have a traitor amongst us who is going to throw us to the avagators! Start the fire and burn, burn, burn.

Mingo

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May we look forward to the imminent "Rise and Fall of Ava Guava Inc."?

"Razor" aka Peter D. Wulff

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3 Dec 97

By the way, how about combining the snowballs and Ava Guavas into a dessert - an Ava Guava snow cone!! or an Ava Guava Halo-halo (a Philippine dessert). That should create a new industry and bring in more millions to your company. If feasible, I'd like to be the first to franchise the business!!

HAVE A GREAT ROTARY DAY!

Hold on here. My lawyers clearly state that any involvement of snow from the Northern Hemisphere (specially Gimli) if used in any business venture, requires that all distrubution rights to North America become the property of the Gimli Rotary club.

William (Bill) Cordingley PHF

Gimli Rotary Club

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I guess you should have first crack at the franchise for North America. Philip Merritt would need to okay that. Maybe a reciprocal supply agreement could be made between your snow and the Ava Guavas here. But, I think I shall hold the recipe rights to the Ava Guava Halo-halo dessert. Best tasted with real & genuine Mango ice cream from the Philippines on top!! Yum, yum, yum!!

Johnny Sy

PE, RC Makati Metro