Biscuits of the Month

Stop waiting

  • Until your car or home is paid off
  • Until you get a new car or home
  • Until your kids leave the house
  • Until you go back to school
  • Until you finish school
  • Until you clean the house
  • Until you organize the garage
  • Until you clean off your desk
  • Until you lose 10 lbs.
  • Until you gain 10 lbs.
  • Until you get married
  • Until you get a divorce
  • Until you have kids
  • Until the kids go to school
  • Until you retire
  • Until summer
  • Until spring
  • Until winter
  • Until fall

There is no better time than right now to be happy.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
So work like you don't need money.
Love like you've never been hurt, and, Dance like no one's watching.

If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone special. I just did!

Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

  1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
  2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas.
  3. I take my wife everywhere.... but she keeps finding her way back.
  4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
  5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
  6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
  7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
  8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
  9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
  10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
  11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
  12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.
  13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

THAT'S LIFE: A CENSUS POEM

He said, "Your occupation, please,"
This census-taking guy.
I started to enumerate
And said quite frankly, "I
Wash the dishes, scrub the floors,
Shine the windows, polish doors,
Bathe three children, wipe their noses,
Work a little in the roses.
Do the washing, iron the clothes,
Pick up playthings, mend the hose,
Sweep out daily, close britches,
Sew a dress with tiny stitches,
Nurse a sick one, make the beds,
Kiss hurt places, shampoo heads,
Wash the blood off, hunt the mittens,
Wipe up after pups and kittens,
Tuck in covers, hear each prayer,
Brag a little, ease a care.
Take your pick. I get no pay,
But that's what I do every day".
He listened very carefully,
That's why I'm so annoyed,
Because that man just scribbled down,
"Housewife. Unemployed."

ANOTHER GOLFER'S MISTAKE

Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

Dorothy responded, "If we're being honest with each other, here goes ... I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

Aunt Martha says:

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans.We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.
Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

CHECKING ON THE NEIGHBOR

Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?"
A few minutes later, Timmy returned.
"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"
"She's fine, except that she's mad at you."
"At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?"
"She said 'It's none of your business how old she is,'" snickered Timmy.

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LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR OLDER PERSONS

  • Put bifocals on. Double check that you're with the right partner.
  • Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes... in case you doze off in the middle.
  • Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF !
  • Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin... just in case!
  • Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.

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FEELING YOUNG AGAIN

Two 80 year old men are driving down the road when they hear the Ex-Lax commercial end with the statement: "It makes you feel young again."
John looks at Sylvester and says, "We need to pull over and get a bottle of that stuff!"
Sylvester agrees and the two old men pull over and get a bottle of Ex-Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive.
About one mile later Sylvester asks, "Well John, do you feel young yet?"
"No," replies John.
So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a piece and continue to drive down the road.
A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, "John, do you feel younger?"
"No," replies John, "but I sure did a childish thing!"

Tom Telfer, B.A. Rotary Club of London West, PP PHF
District 6330 London, Ontario, Canada
Charter member of ROTI & Rotary Editors & Publishers
Editor of Jocoe’s Journal
ttelfer@rogers.com
SKYPE: global63302751

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